Berta is a fictional character portrayed by Conchata Ferrell in the TV series Two and a Half Men.
In the first episode they appeared in, titled If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap (season 1), they were 60 years old.
They appear in 211 episodes out of a total of 261 aired and have accumulated 21234 positive votes.
The character of Berta is mainly associated with Alan Harper, Walden Schmidt and Jake Harper.
Episodes211
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
episode S1.E4 october 2003As Charlie tries to write a new jingle, Berta quits. Alan tries to convince her to come back. Leaving Charlie to get Jake ready for a dinner. And Rose tries to get Charlie's help to prepare for a date.
Merry Thanksgiving
episode S1.E10 november 2003Thanksgiving winds up being the least thankful day of the year for Charlie, who has to bribe various members of his household to even come to a traditional turkey dinner. Not only are the usual feuds in evidence (leading to a turkey-carving right out of "Psycho") but Judith's parents are actually sympathetic to Alan and hostile to their own daughter for her "fling" with lesbianism.
Camel Filters and Pheromones
episode S1.E12 january 2004Berta brings her 16 year old granddaughter to work. She poses issues for the men.
I Can't Afford Hyenas
episode S1.E14 february 2004Charlie's accountant Stan tries to make Charlie understand his desperate financial situation.
An Old Flame with a New Wick
episode S1.E18 march 2004Charlie's old flame, Jill, comes for a visit, she had an operation and is now called "Bill". Then Evelyn starts dating Bill.
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
episode S1.E20 april 2004Jake plays electric guitar all day long and doesn't want to do anything else. Alan and Charlie can't figure out why. Jake refuses to discuss anything with anyone, including his grandmother and even a psychologist.
Just Like Buffalo
episode S1.E23 may 2004Jake repeats something Charlie says to Judith. Then Judith refuses to let Alan take Jake for the weekend. Alan tries to talk to Judith, but encounters resistance from Judith and her friends. It's up to Charlie to set things right.
Can You Feel My Finger
episode S1.E24 may 2004Charlie is sure he isn't ready for fatherhood after a year of trying to raise Jake, so he opts to have a vasectomy. But when the doctor performing the procedure keeps getting calls from his wife -- who's about to give birth -- Charlie starts to think about what fatherhood might entail and likes the idea, provided he still has his vital organs intact (in more ways than one).
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
episode S2.E2 september 2004Alan is hurt after finding out Judith is seeing Jake's pediatrician. Meanwhile, Evelyn tries to find out why Charlie hates her.
A Bag Full of Jawea
episode S2.E3 october 2004After Jake flips off his teacher, Alan and Judith move to punish him. Charlie, meanwhile, has other plans for Jake's teacher. Chaos ensues when Jake discovers the relationship and the increasingly overbearing Miss Pasternak tells Charlie she believes God brought them together.
Bad News from the Clinic
episode S2.E5 october 2004Charlie is dating a self-assured woman who plays hard to get, easily dismisses him, and he finds it disarming. Rose gets Charlie to see that his new lady-friend, Sherry, is in his head because she is just like him; a self-centered, manipulative, narcissist. Charlie debates breaking it off. Alan and Jake fiercely battle wills over Jake doing his homework.
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
episode S2.E7 november 2004Evelyn announces she is receiving an honor from the real estate industry and that Charlie and Alan will host a party in her honor. Mayhem ensues when Berta and her sister agree to cater the event, but sibling rivalry takes center stage.
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
episode S2.E8 november 2004Alan gets carried away with a woman he met at the supermarket, and it's up to Charlie to talk some sense into him while shielding Jake and Judith from what's going on.
Yes, Monsignor
episode S2.E9 november 2004Charlie runs into a newly-divorced ex, now single mom, who's willing to give him another shot. Back home, Jake tries to diagnose his learning problems.
The Salmon Under My Sweater
episode S2.E10 november 2004Charlie struggles to write a jingle for a new cartoon. Meanwhile, Alan spends time with Rose, and Jake procrastinates doing a book report.
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
episode S2.E11 december 2004Charlie sets out to find who started a derogatory web site about him. Meanwhile, Alan overhears something he shouldn't on Jake's webcam.
Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów
episode S2.E13 january 2005Tensions rise after an earthquake displaces Judith to Charlie's house.
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
episode S2.E14 january 2005Evelyn's condescending attitude towards Jake's good grades sets Charlie and Alan out for revenge.
Smell the Umbrella Stand
episode S2.E15 february 2005Charlie and Alan's weekend trip to Las Vegas has a little trouble getting off the ground.
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
episode S2.E16 february 2005It's the week of hell as Judith's out of town, Alan's got Jake, and nothing seems to be going right.
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!
episode S2.E17 february 2005Berta teaches Jake something about cleanliness while Charlie's in pain after a sexual encounter went horribly wrong.
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
episode S2.E20 april 2005Rose intervenes after Alan and Charlie come to blows over some of their unresolved issues.
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
episode S2.E22 may 2005Alan borrows money from Evelyn to buy a Porsche. However, life doesn't become as glamorous as he expects.
Does This Smell Funny to You
episode S2.E24 may 2005Jake recounts his weekend in which Charlie's latest fling is with a woman who turns out to be married to a now very angry old man.
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
episode S3.E2 september 2005Alan has to lobby the principal to keep Jake from getting expelled, while Charlie is left to manage the chiropractic office for the day.
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
episode S3.E3 october 2005After it's revealed Alan and Judith have been trying to reconcile, Charlie, Evelyn, and Rose vie for the role of spoiler.
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
episode S3.E4 october 2005Alan looks for a new place after he invites Berta to stay at Charlie's house, bringing the brothers to blows.
We Called It Mr. Pinky
episode S3.E5 october 2005Charlie's inability to reciprocate his girlfriend's love forces him to examine his relationships with women.
Hi, Mr. Horned One
episode S3.E6 october 2005Charlie's Satan-worshiping girlfriend has a knack for the supernatural, and seems to be the cause of some strange happenings around the Harper house.
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
episode S3.E7 november 2005Charlie gets drunk and sleeps with Rose on her birthday. Rose says she knows it's no big deal. But her father quickly shows up at Charlie's house, under the impression that they've been dating for two years.
That Voodoo That I Do Do
episode S3.E8 november 2005Charlie bribes Jake into taking ballet lessons so he can vie for the affections of the teacher. Things go awry, however, when Charlie and Jake find themselves competing for those affections.
Madame and Her Special Friend
episode S3.E9 november 2005Charlie's elderly neighbor has an uncomfortable business proposition for Alan.
Something Salted and Twisted
episode S3.E10 november 2005After Alan goes on a dinner with Jake, Charlie and Evelyn, he becomes fed up with seeking approval from women and decides to quit doing so with a little help from Charlie.
Santa's Village of the Damned
episode S3.E11 december 2005Alan's girlfriend Sandy is Malibu's answer to Martha Stewart, causing Alan and Charlie to pack on the pounds. Their desire for her fabulous culinary output is ultimately overwhelmed by her craziness.
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
episode S3.E13 january 2006Charlie has to decide whether he can really commit to a serious relationship with Mia, especially when sex is currently off the agenda. Unsurprisingly, his suggestion that he sleep with other women in the meantime falls on somewhat stony ground.
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
episode S3.E14 february 2006As Charlie tries to receive his version of benefits from the relationship he has with Mia, Alan starts dating Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.
My Tongue Is Meat
episode S3.E15 february 2006Forced to hide in his garage to enjoy a brace of beers and half a Cuban cigar, Charlie's attempts to keep his unhealthy lifestyle habits secret from Mia fall apart when she smells bacon on his breath, resulting in their first major argument since taking their relationship to a physical plane.
Ergo, the Booty Call
episode S3.E16 march 2006Jake's twelfth birthday approaches. Alan is busy with young, hot Kandi.
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
episode S3.E18 march 2006Alan is having financial problems: Kandi is too "expensive" for him.
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
episode S3.E19 april 2006Charlie learns that Kandi has been living with them for three weeks. It turns out he hasn't even noticed some furniture changes. Alan wants to try her as secretary, but Charlie doesn't think she's smart enough for that.
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
episode S3.E20 april 2006Alan is made to admit to Charlie, who keeps hitting it in, he has hit rock-bottom now that his brainless girlfriend Kandi has moved in with his ex. It's all so confusing that Jake would prefer dad's ladies to be lesbians, then tells him Kandi's mom Mandi has joined Charlie's endless list of sexual conquests. Alan can't talk to Kandi, she just repeats Judith's phrases, clearly without understanding the words, but he sees her dad, Mandi's ex Andy, arrive on blind date with his own ex Judith. Frolicking finale at Judith's, in rooms, bed and hot-tub.
And the Plot Moistens
episode S3.E21 may 2006Alan turns to Jake's teacher for stimulating conversation, since Kandi obviously can't provide any. But the teacher starts to get the wrong idea about Alan's intentions.
Arguments for the Quickie
episode S3.E23 may 2006Mia comes back and asks Charlie to donate his sperm. He agrees to, but for some unknown reason he can't deliver.
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
episode S3.E24 may 2006Charlie and Mia discover that setting up a wedding with their two crazy families is a disaster, so they decide to get married in Las Vegas.
Working for Caligula
episode S4.E1 september 2006Kandi dumps Alan, which forces him and Jake to move back in with Charlie, who was just getting used to getting his bachelor pad back.
Who's Vod Kanockers
episode S4.E2 september 2006Charlie starts to lose control now that Mia's gone and Alan and Jake are back, and his frustration culminates in a violent confrontation with his new neighbor, Steven Tyler.
The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
episode S4.E3 october 2006In the middle of a near-death experience, Charlie thinks he hears his father's voice tell him to take care of his mother, who is just about to have a "minor procedure" performed on her.
A Pot Smoking Monkey
episode S4.E4 october 2006Alan wants custody of the dog Chester he shared in his late marriage with Kandi. Meanwhile, Charlie helps Jake with his girlfriend.
Apologies for the Frivolity
episode S4.E6 october 2006Charlie is the last one to realize that he is dating a younger version of his mother.
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
episode S4.E7 october 2006Charlie reluctantly agrees to help Berta as she confronts the man who impregnated her youngest daughter and Alan tells Charlie about a secret fetish.
Kissing Abraham Lincoln
episode S4.E10 november 2006Charlie's new live-in girlfriend is skating on thin ice with Berta because she threatens Berta's "alpha dog" status and Kandi lets Alan have sex with her again so that he won't sell the condo.
Walnuts and Demerol
episode S4.E11 december 2006Charlie's quest to get laid on Christmas Eve threatens to fall apart when everybody shows up at his house and refuses to leave.
Castrating Sheep in Montana
episode S4.E12 january 2007Alan is seeing Berta's daughter behind everyone's back. But when Berta finds out, Alan is shocked and a little disturbed by her positive response.
Don't Worry, Speed Racer
episode S4.E13 january 2007Repressed memories come back to the surface for Charlie after Jake talks about hearing his mom having sex.
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
episode S4.E14 february 2007Charlie tries to set up Alan with the sexy and rich new next-door neighbor who is looking to settle down. But when Charlie discovers her secret history as a drunken slut, he decides to go after her himself.
My Damn Stalker
episode S4.E15 february 2007Alan takes a stab at online dating, and Rose tells Charlie that she's moving away.
Young People Have Phlegm Too
episode S4.E16 february 2007Charlie tries to convince himself and Alan that he's not too old to be part of the wild, young party crowd.
I Merely Slept with a Commie
episode S4.E17 february 2007After Charlie and Alan tell their mom that nobody loves her enough to attend her funeral, she replaces them with a new family, which makes both of them very jealous.
Smooth as a Ken Doll
episode S4.E19 april 2007Alan thinks he's making his last alimony payment to Judith, but Judith's future sister-in-law could be putting the wedding in jeopardy. And things only get worse when she hooks up with Charlie.
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
episode S4.E20 april 2007Alan sees nothing but troubles in his future as Charlie's relationship with Judith's future sister-in-law blossoms.
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
episode S4.E21 april 2007Everyone suspects that Alan may be coming out of the closet when he becomes good friends with a gay man. But Charlie is actually the one who is suddenly feeling insecure about his sexuality.
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
episode S4.E22 april 2007When Alan has to go renew his driver's license, he convinces Charlie to help Jake with book report. But when Charlie takes Jake to the track, instead, Jake's horse comes in.
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
episode S4.E23 may 2007Charlie hires a handyman to fix his deck, then begins to feel threatened when all the women in his life flock to the new guy.
Prostitutes and Gelato
episode S4.E24 may 2007In an effort to bond with Alan and Charlie, Evelyn's new boyfriend invites them on a trip to Vegas with all the frills.
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
episode S5.E1 september 2007Jake is ready to begin junior high school, until Alan scares him by telling him about all of the horrors that he experienced. Meanwhile, Charlie has a rash in a most inopportune area.
Media Room Slash Dungeon
episode S5.E2 october 2007Charlie and his mom temporarily become friends until Charlie takes an interest in one of her married clients and Alan goes to bed with a woman who has self-esteem issues.
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
episode S5.E3 october 2007Charlie humors Alan by going on a date with a woman his own age instead of a young bimbo. But when the woman rejects him after the first date, he becomes obsessed with seeing her again.
City of Great Racks
episode S5.E4 october 2007Charlie is getting serious with Linda. But lately he seems to be seeing his ex-stalker, Rose. Has she returned from England, or is it his imagination?
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
episode S5.E5 october 2007Charlie hasn't had a paying gig for months, so Alan becomes part of a drug study to make extra money. Meanwhile, Charlie tries to bond with Linda's four-year-old son.
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
episode S5.E6 october 2007A medication mix-up causes Charlie to humiliate Linda at an important dinner, and Jake disobeys his dad's orders and sneaks out to attend a rock concert.
Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
episode S5.E7 november 2007After Alan gets in a fight with Charlie over a decorative bowl, Alan and Jake move in with Alan's mom.
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
episode S5.E8 november 2007Charlie discovers that being a children's singer means making lots of money and picking up single moms. But he also discovers that he's going to have to overcome his fear of performing in front of large audiences.
Tight's Good
episode S5.E9 november 2007Charlie ignores his future step-father's advice and gets involved with his daughter, and he learns the hard way that he should have heeded the warning.
Kinda Like Necrophilia
episode S5.E10 november 2007Alan finds out that Charlie stole his girlfriend in high school, so he sets out to even the score.
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
episode S5.E12 march 2008Charlie is suffering from a bad cold, and Rose suddenly and mysteriously resurfaces to "take care of him." So why isn't Charlie getting any better?
The Soil is Moist
episode S5.E13 march 2008Alan sleeps with a woman he and Judith were friends with when they were married, who then tells him that Judith says her new husband is a better lover than him.
Winky-Dink Time
episode S5.E14 april 2008Charlie sets up Alan with a prostitute and accompanies Jake on a double date.
Rough Night in Hump Junction
episode S5.E15 april 2008Charlie is acting even more promiscuous than normal, which is getting him in trouble with a lot of husbands and boyfriends. With the help of his psychiatrist, he discovers it's related to his ex-fiancée's upcoming wedding.
Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
episode S5.E16 april 2008Alan helps to plan his mother's wedding, and Charlie makes some moves on the woman who will soon be his stepsister.
Fish in a Drawer
episode S5.E17 may 2008Parody of "CSI" in which a body is found in Charlie's bed, and detectives try to figure out who is the killer.
Waiting for the Right Snapper
episode S5.E19 may 2008Alan has a crush on Charlie's new older girlfriend and Charlie discovers that he "dated" his girlfriend's son's fiancée. Meanwhile, Alan tries to get Jake to study for his algebra exam.
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
episode S6.E1 september 2008Charlie runs into an ex with a child who looks and acts a lot like him, and he starts to suspect that he is the boy's father.
Pie Hole, Herb
episode S6.E2 september 2008Charlie kicks Alan out the house again after Alan demands that Charlie pay him back the $38 he owes him. Alan and Jake are now forced to turn to Judith and Herb for a temporary home.
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
episode S6.E3 october 2008Alan tries to date two women at once and Charlie tries to learn how to cook. Jake tells Alan that he's studying with a friend, but he gets drunk instead.
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
episode S6.E4 october 2008Alan is angry when Charlie hooks up with his secretary because he knows that the situation will end badly for him after their inevitable breakup.
A Jock Strap in Hell
episode S6.E5 october 2008Charlie gets more than he bargained for when he tries to make amends to one of Jake's old teachers that he dated, who went off the deep end and became a stripper after he broke up with her.
It's Always Nazi Week
episode S6.E6 november 2008Alan is overjoyed when he learns that Judith and Herb's marriage is on the rocks, but he gets more than he bargained for when he tries to fake-comfort her. Meanwhile, Herb tries picking up women with Charlie's help.
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
episode S6.E7 november 2008Alan and Judith start seeing each other again after Judith's breakup with Herb, Herb continues to turn to Charlie for help picking up women, and Charlie messes with Jake by threatening to get him sent to military school.
Pinocchio's Mouth
episode S6.E8 november 2008Charlie's month-long relationship threatens to go down the tubes when she asks him to spend the night at her house instead. Alan grounds Jake for mooning some girls on a school bus.
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
episode S6.E10 december 2008When Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education and a car, Charlie suspects that she has an angle to play.
The Devil's Lube
episode S6.E11 december 2008Charlie contemplates making some changes in his life after an old buddy and partner in crime drops dead on the balcony of his beach house.
Thank God for Scoliosis
episode S6.E12 january 2009Alan considers hooking up with his receptionist--until he meets her mother, and Charlie and Jake fight for the affection of a beautiful woman
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
episode S6.E14 february 2009After his family acts mean-spirited during Alan's "surprise" birthday party, Alan decides he's had enough and moves in with his girlfriend and her mom.
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
episode S6.E17 march 2009Charlie is so desperate to get Chelsea to return his accidental "I love you" and not lose control in the relationship that he is willing to propose to her just to make her say it.
My Son's Enormous Head
episode S6.E18 march 2009Charlie has trouble trying to take care of Chelsea when she gets sick.
The Two Finger Rule
episode S6.E19 march 2009Charlie, Alan and Herb commiserate with each other when their stupid decisions put them on the outs with their significant others.
Above Exalted Cyclops
episode S6.E21 april 2009Chelsea sets up Alan with her new "friend" Rose--the same Rose who stalked Charlie for years. But to Charlie's surprise, the two of them hit it off.
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
episode S6.E22 may 2009Charlie winds up in more hot water with Chelsea because he doesn't want her moving in with him.
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
episode S6.E23 may 2009Charlie is angry when Alan and Chelsea become good friends, until he figures out how to use the situation to his advantage.
Baseball Was Better with Steroids
episode S6.E24 may 2009Chelsea is jealous when Charlie's ex fiancée, Mia, calls him--perhaps rightfully so. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor, Herb is incapacitated, and Alan runs into his ex-girlfriend and receptionist at the hospital.
818-jklpuzo
episode S7.E1 september 2009Chelsea encourages Charlie to help his ex-fiancée Mia launch her music career, but does he still have feelings for her? And what if she's a terrible singer? Meanwhile, Alan wants Charlie to let Melissa move in with him.
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
episode S7.E2 september 2009When Charlie's fiancée Chelsea convinces him to let Alan's girlfriend Melissa move in, the girls take over the house.
For the Sake of the Child
episode S7.E5 october 2009Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan after they embarrass him in public, so Alan tries to convince Charlie to work together to settle their differences and stop fighting with each other.
Give Me Your Thumb
episode S7.E6 november 2009Alan suggests that Chelsea get breast reduction surgery and Charlie kicks him out.
Untainted by Filth
episode S7.E7 november 2009After Charlie and Chelsea set their wedding date, Charlie and Alan go out and get drunk and wake up in bed together with a strange woman.
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
episode S7.E8 november 2009Charlie invites Chelsea's sexy friend to stay at his place while she gets over a breakup, secretly hoping that he will get a chance to have kinky three-way sex.
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
episode S7.E9 november 2009Charlie is crushed when he discovers he hasn't been satisfying Chelsea and Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair on the cheap.
That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room'
episode S7.E10 december 2009Charlie discovers that Chelsea hasn't been completely honest about her finances.
Warning, It's Dirty
episode S7.E11 december 2009Against Alan's wishes, Charlie encourages Jake to hook up with a pretty girl he met on the beach since Jake's girlfriend is out of town for Christmas.
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
episode S7.E12 january 2010Jake writes love songs to woo his ex-girlfriend, and Herb and Alan hide their secret friendship from Judith's watchful eye.
Yay, No Polyps
episode S7.E13 january 2010Charlie endures a colonoscopy to get out of a trip to see Chelsea's bigoted parents, only to return home and find them in his living room.
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche
episode S7.E15 february 2010When Charlie's jealousy threatens his relationship with Chelsea, he turns to Alan for help in becoming a better person. But will he be able to pull it off?
Tinkle Like a Princess
episode S7.E16 march 2010Charlie reacts to his breakup with Chelsea by taking the first woman that he sees and marrying her in Las Vegas.
I Found Your Moustache
episode S7.E17 march 2010Charlie and Chelsea get back together for one night, which leaves Charlie mistakenly believing that they are back for good.
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
episode S7.E19 april 2010Alan dates the mom of one of Jake's friends instead of telling her that her son and Jake went out drinking, but Charlie surprisingly does not approve of his actions.
I Called Him Magoo
episode S7.E20 may 2010Alan's plan for a romantic overnight getaway with his girlfriend hits an unexpected snag, while Charlie has an unusual request for his overnight companion.
Gumby with a Pokey
episode S7.E21 may 2010While Alan and Jake go to Sacramento to pick up a grandfather clock, Charlie gets a prescription for medical marijuana to help him sleep and forget about Chelsea.
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
episode S8.E1 september 2010Alan unsuccessfully tries to keep Jake from finding out that he's sleeping with his friend Eldridge's mom; Charlie contemplates giving up drinking after an unusually wild night he can't remember.
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
episode S8.E2 september 2010When Lindsey asks Alan to move in with her, Charlie will do anything to get Alan to say "yes."
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
episode S8.E3 october 2010Alan moves in with Lyndsey but continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
episode S8.E4 october 2010Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after Alan burns down their home.
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
episode S8.E5 october 2010Alan goes out on the town pretending to be Charlie; Charlie sneaks off for cosmetic surgery.
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
episode S8.E6 october 2010Charlie has second thoughts about the woman he's dating when he discovers she's 47, but his attitude suddenly changes when he discovers she has a sexy, bisexual, 20-year-old daughter.
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
episode S8.E7 november 2010Charlie's past comes back to bite him when his girlfriend decides that his stalker Rose is too much to handle.
A Good Time in Central Africa
episode S8.E9 november 2010While Berta is out for the weekend, Charlie finds the perfect replacement housekeeper; when Lyndsey starts dating Alan again, her ex starts stalking him.
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
episode S8.E10 november 2010Charlie goes on a spending spree for his old fling Courtney, who shows up after three years in prison for conning him out of money.
Dead from the Waist Down
episode S8.E11 december 2010Alan is ashamed that he can't afford to buy Lyndsey a birthday present, so he gets creative.
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
episode S8.E12 december 2010When Charlie and Courtney break up, Charlie falls into a depression and visits his psychiatrist.
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
episode S8.E13 january 2011When Charlie and Lyndsey start becoming friendly, Alan's paranoia gets the best of him.
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
episode S8.E15 february 2011Alan's efforts to ask family for money to help promote his struggling chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme, and Charlie continues to see Rose, still completely unaware that her "husband" is actually a mannequin.
That Darn Priest
episode S8.E16 february 2011Rose becomes wise to Alan's Ponzi scheme and threatens to tell his family--until Alan discovers the truth about Rose's "husband."
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
episode S9.E1 september 2011After the death of Charlie Harper, Alan faces the reality of moving out of his brother's beach house - until he meets a depressed Internet billionaire whose wife just left him.
People Who Love Peepholes
episode S9.E2 september 2011Walden buys Charlie's house and hires Berta as his live-in housekeeper, forcing Alan to move back in with his mom. However, Alan sees an opportunity to come back when Walden asks for advice about getting his wife back.
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
episode S9.E3 october 2011While preparing for a romantic dinner with his wife, Walden accidentally talks Jake into dropping out of school.
Nine Magic Fingers
episode S9.E4 october 2011Alan begins working on getting Lyndsey back, but his days at Walden's place may be numbered after Walden hooks up with Charlie's gold-digger ex girlfriend, Courtney.
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
episode S9.E5 october 2011Lyndsey dumps Alan after he agrees to be completely honest about his past, and a stoned Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing him a party.
The Squat and the Hover
episode S9.E6 october 2011Alan convinces Walden to see Charlie's old shrink after he gets his divorce papers from Bridget, but his spirits are soon lifted after he meets a lesbian who looks like her.
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
episode S9.E7 october 2011Walden hires Evelyn as his interior decorator, but Alan is convinced that she just wants to take advantage of him sexually. Meanwhile, Alan inherits Charlie's journal, and Jake has a crush on his tutor, but she has a crush on Walden.
Thank You for the Intercourse
episode S9.E8 november 2011Still emotional after Charlie's death and jealous over Walden's ability to pick up hot single women, Alan takes a break from reality and channels his inner Charlie.
Frodo's Headshots
episode S9.E9 november 2011Upon his return from the "stress clinic," Alan finds out that Jake got his girlfriend pregnant, Walden and Lyndsey are sleeping together, and he has to move out immediately.
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
episode S9.E10 november 2011After Jake talks Walden into asking out a woman he meets at a supermarket, Alan considers hocking Walden's incredibly expensive wedding ring to get out of debt.
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
episode S9.E12 december 2011Walden's mother arrives for Christmas and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about a brother from Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
episode S9.E13 january 2012When Bridget and Walden's mother try to take control of Walden's company, Walden puts Alan on the board. But can he be trusted once Walden's mother gets to him?
A Possum on Chemo
episode S9.E14 january 2012While Zoe pressures Walden into shaving and cutting his hair, Alan discovers that Lyndsey is dating a younger man.
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
episode S9.E15 february 2012Walden looks for ways to spice up his lackluster love life with Zoey, including a batch of Berta's "special" brownies.
Not in My Mouth!
episode S9.E17 february 2012When Zoey doesn't return his "I love you," Walden retaliates by immediately picking up on another woman.
The War Against Gingivitis
episode S9.E18 february 2012Walden's estranged ex-business partner comes to him with a billion-dollar business idea, and another secret or two.
Grandma's Pie
episode S9.E20 april 2012Zoe is upset when she finds out that Bridget is a business partner in Walden's latest venture, while Alan and Lyndsey have an awkward dinner with their moms, who are now lovers and are planning to move in together.
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
episode S9.E21 april 2012Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey.
Why We Gave Up Women
episode S9.E22 april 2012Charlie's spirit returns from Hell in the form of a middle aged woman to tell Alan to make some changes to his life after his heart attack.
The Straw in My Donut Hole
episode S9.E23 may 2012Alan decides to take advantage of the guilt felt by his family and Walden after his heart attack, but Zoe knows that he's just milking it and sets out to prove it.
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
episode S9.E24 may 2012Jake and Eldridge make an important decision about their future after they graduate from high school and get fired from their jobs at Walden's new company.
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
episode S10.E1 september 2012Walden weighs his options after his elaborate marriage proposal featuring fireworks and Michael Bolton fails.
A Big Bag of Dog
episode S10.E2 october 2012While Alan becomes obsessed with off-brand teeth whitening, Walden begins to crack up over his breakup with Zoe.
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
episode S10.E3 october 2012Alan agrees to Lyndsey's idea of having a threesome with Walden, but Walden can't follow through because he's still in love with Zoey.
You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
episode S10.E4 october 2012Walden is conflicted when a friend's hot daughter comes to visit, but the problem solves itself when Jake arrives for a surprise visit.
That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
episode S10.E5 october 2012After a series of bad double date setups with Alan and Lyndsey, Walden meets a new woman--Charlie's ex, Rose.
Ferrets, Attack!
episode S10.E6 november 2012Just as Walden considers making a big move in his relationship with Rose, Zoey re-enters the picture and asks him to take her back.
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
episode S10.E7 november 2012Jake goes AWOL from the Army to spend another weekend with Missi, and Walden hires an actress to play the role of his girlfriend.
Something My Gynecologist Said
episode S10.E8 november 2012Alan loses Lyndsey over his refusal to make a long-term commitment, while Walden becomes a "boy toy" for a rich older woman who has no idea that he's a billionaire.
I Scream When I Pee
episode S10.E9 november 2012Alan's second ex-wife, Kandi, could spoil Alan's new long-term relationship with Lyndsey. Meanwhile, Walden tries to celebrate Berta's birthday.
Give Santa a Tail-Hole
episode S10.E11 december 2012While Walden takes a job as a Christmas tree salesman as part of his ruse, he gets a billion dollar business proposal from Mark Zuckerberg. Meanwhile, Alan finds himself completely alone at the beach house for the holidays.
Welcome to Alancrest
episode S10.E12 january 2013While Walden's health and other bedroom issues begin to suffer as a result of living a lie, he gives Alan 100,000 dollars to "invest" in Kate's fashion line.
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
episode S10.E13 january 2013Walden and Alan fly to New York City so that Walden can finally reveal his true identity to Kate.
Run, Steven Staven! Run!
episode S10.E14 january 2013Alan, Walden, Billy, and Herb spend the night out together commiserating over their exes after Lyndsey dumps Alan one more time.
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
episode S10.E15 february 2013Alan is alarmed when he discovers that Jake's new girlfriend is almost twice his age, has three children, and owns a tattoo parlor.
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
episode S10.E16 february 2013Walden is delighted when Kate flies to LA and asks an appointment on Valentine's Day. Alas, she only wants friendship, still prefers 'Sam' and now has just a busy calendar as Walden, so no next date can be booked. For once, Alan decides to 'spoil' Lyndsey on Valentine's Day by booking a hotel suite he can't really afford. But pubic grooming on himself goes so bad she has to drive him to hospital instead. Rose is unsuspecting Kate's new business partner, who lures her to China.
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
episode S10.E17 february 2013Walden goes to a mixer to find a woman but runs into his ex-wife Bridget instead.
The 9:04 from Pemberton
episode S10.E18 march 2013After Alan and Walden fight over a toaster, Alan moves out and goes back to his old house to live with Herb.
Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
episode S10.E19 march 2013Alan and Walden take Herb out to take his mind off of his troubles, but his partying quickly spirals out of control.
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
episode S10.E20 april 2013Tammy comes after Jake after he cheats on her with her 18 year old daughter.
Another Night with Neil Diamond
episode S10.E21 april 2013Alan is crushed when Lyndsey dumps him and immediately starts dating a new man, and Walden is crushed because he is now completely stuck with Alan--again.
My Bodacious Vidalia
episode S10.E22 may 2013Walden treats Alan to an image makeover, and he attracts a married woman with a much older husband who cannot satisfy her in bed.
Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
episode S10.E23 may 2013Walden dates a sexy young woman, but is actually more interested in her grandmother. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake take a final road trip together before Jake leaves for Japan.
Nangnangnangnang
episode S11.E1 september 2013Walden is forced to deal with two freeloading Harpers when Charlie's daughter that nobody knew he had arrives at the beach house.
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
episode S11.E2 october 2013Charlie's daughter Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her 91 1/2 year old boyfriend, and Lyndsey cheats on her new boyfriend with Alan.
This Unblessed Biscuit
episode S11.E3 october 2013Berta is injured on the job, and after getting in an argument with Walden over retirement, she decides to quit.
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
episode S11.E4 october 2013Walden makes a big mistake while partying with Jenny and her friends, and Alan has to make a big sacrifice to keep up appearances with Lyndsey.
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
episode S11.E5 october 2013Alan's jealousy over being the "other man" causes him to spy on Lyndsey's boyfriend, and Walden tries to get Jenny started with acting lessons.
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
episode S11.E6 november 2013Alan begs Walden to set him up with an old family friend, "Wonder Woman" TV star Lynda Carter.
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
episode S11.E7 november 2013Alan and Walden hook up with a pair of theme park princesses until Lyndsey's jealousy of Alan's new flame ruins everything.
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
episode S11.E8 november 2013A private investigator tells Lyndsey's boyfriend that she is cheating on him with Walden, and Rose tries to help keep Walden out of danger.
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
episode S11.E9 december 2013Walden has a date with an injury-prone model, and Alan sleeps with a woman who then reveals that she used to be a man.
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
episode S11.E10 december 2013Walden helps Jenny get a second date with a woman who is blowing her off, and Alan is propositioned by his new girlfriend's ex.
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
episode S11.E11 january 2014Walden is hired by a former employee he fired to write code for a new project, and Alan suffers an unfortunate tick bite while hiking with Jenny and her girlfriend.
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
episode S11.E12 january 2014Alan lets Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry set him up on a date, while Walden offers to help Nicole with her software project, so that she will have the time to date him.
Bite Me, Supreme Court
episode S11.E13 january 2014Marty proposes to Evelyn, and she accepts. But after Alan and Walden throw Marty a bachelor party, he abruptly calls off the wedding.
Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe
episode S11.E14 february 2014After Alan learns that Lyndsey broke up with Larry and didn't tell him, he makes a big decision. Meanwhile, Walden sets out to prove that he's a man's man.
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
episode S11.E15 february 2014Alan turns to Judith for comfort after Lyndsey accepts Larry's marriage proposal, and Jenny is worried that Brooke is blowing her off.
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
episode S11.E16 march 2014Alan takes an interest in Larry's sister after "Jeff Strongman" agrees to be his best man, and Walden is concerned about his relationship with Nicole.
Welcome Home, Jake
episode S11.E17 march 2014Lyndsey discovers that Alan is sleeping with Larry's sister, Gretchen. Meanwhile, Walden finds it difficult with telling Barry to find his own place.
West Side Story
episode S11.E18 april 2014Walden's reunion with his ex-girlfriend Kate does not go as planned, and Alan takes Gretchen over to "his apartment."
Lan mao shi zai wuding shang
episode S11.E19 april 2014Just as Walden is considering proposing to Kate, he falls for a random stranger who arrives at his beach house. Meanwhile, Gretchen discovers that Alan's "Jeff Strongman" persona is a lie.
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
episode S11.E20 april 2014Walden's therapist tells him to have plenty of random casual sex to help get over falling in love too quickly, and Alan's new business venture provides him with the perfect opportunity.
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
episode S11.E21 may 2014Walden goes to Colorado with Jenny and Barry after he finds his first car. Meanwhile, Alan loses Gretchen after he considers telling Larry the truth about "Jeff Strongman."
Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
episode S11.E22 may 2014When Alan and Gretchen get engaged and Larry calls off the wedding, Lyndsey goes off the deep end. Meanwhile, Walden creates a smart-aleck robot.
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
episode S12.E1 october 2014When Walden has a health scare on Halloween, he tries to re-prioritize his life with the help of Alan.
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
episode S12.E2 november 2014Alan has second thoughts about getting married when Walden has him sign a prenup.
Glamping in a Yurt
episode S12.E3 november 2014Alan and Walden must be perceived as a loving couple during a meeting with an adoption social worker. However, Lyndsey returns from rehab and makes their plans more difficult.
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
episode S12.E4 november 2014After the social worker signs off on them, a prospective birth mother visits Walden and Alan.
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
episode S12.E5 november 2014Walden looks after a foster child named Louis,but they don't bond the way he hoped they would.
Alan Shot a Little Girl
episode S12.E6 december 2014Much to Walden's frustration, Louis successfully manipulates Alan, who cannot resist the opportunity to finally get to become the cool parent.
Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
episode S12.E7 december 2014Walden and Alan befriend a group of sexy single moms while taking Louis out to play, which makes it even more difficult to keep up their charade.
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
episode S12.E8 december 2014Walden hopes to create the perfect Christmas experience for Louis, who has lost his faith in Christmas. But Santa, Alan's mom Evelyn, and Alan's cheapness threaten to ruin everything.
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
episode S12.E9 january 2015Walden and Laurel set up a playdate for their kids so they can pick up where they left off the last time they got together. Meanwhile, Herb asks Alan if he can ask Lyndsey out.
Here I Come, Pants!
episode S12.E10 january 2015When Ms. McMartin discovers that Walden and Alan are pretending to be gay, she threatens to take Louis away. However, Alan has a plan to help her change her mind.
For Whom the Booty Calls
episode S12.E11 january 2015When Walden joins a support group for adoptive fathers, he discovers that it is a nice getaway from Alan.
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
episode S12.E12 january 2015Walden worries that Louis' adoption will be impacted when Alan breaks up with their social worker.
Boompa Loved His Hookers
episode S12.E13 february 2015Walden discovers that Ms. McMartin is crazy and needy after they hook up, but he doesn't want to break up with her and mess up the adoption. Meanwhile, Lyndsey asks Alan to move in with her.
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
episode S12.E14 february 2015When their divorce becomes official, Walden offers Alan a gift. Alan's impractical choice strains his relationship with Lindsay.
Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2
episode S12.E15 february 2015Alan begins to suspect that Charlie is still alive, which is confirmed when he receives a threatening package and Rose tells the truth.
- If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
- Merry Thanksgiving
- Camel Filters and Pheromones
- I Can't Afford Hyenas
- An Old Flame with a New Wick
- Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- Just Like Buffalo
- Can You Feel My Finger
- Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- A Bag Full of Jawea
- Bad News from the Clinic
- A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- Yes, Monsignor
- The Salmon Under My Sweater
- Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów
- Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
- Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!
- I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- Does This Smell Funny to You
- Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
- We Called It Mr. Pinky
- Hi, Mr. Horned One
- Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- That Voodoo That I Do Do
- Madame and Her Special Friend
- Something Salted and Twisted
- Santa's Village of the Damned
- Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
- Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- My Tongue Is Meat
- Ergo, the Booty Call
- The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
- Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- And the Plot Moistens
- Arguments for the Quickie
- That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
- Working for Caligula
- Who's Vod Kanockers
- The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
- A Pot Smoking Monkey
- Apologies for the Frivolity
- Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- Kissing Abraham Lincoln
- Walnuts and Demerol
- Castrating Sheep in Montana
- Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- My Damn Stalker
- Young People Have Phlegm Too
- I Merely Slept with a Commie
- Smooth as a Ken Doll
- Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
- Prostitutes and Gelato
- Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- Media Room Slash Dungeon
- Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- City of Great Racks
- Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
- Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- Tight's Good
- Kinda Like Necrophilia
- A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- The Soil is Moist
- Winky-Dink Time
- Rough Night in Hump Junction
- Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
- Fish in a Drawer
- Waiting for the Right Snapper
- Taterhead Is Our Love Child
- Pie Hole, Herb
- Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- A Jock Strap in Hell
- It's Always Nazi Week
- Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- Pinocchio's Mouth
- He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- The Devil's Lube
- Thank God for Scoliosis
- David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
- My Son's Enormous Head
- The Two Finger Rule
- Above Exalted Cyclops
- Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
- Baseball Was Better with Steroids
- 818-jklpuzo
- Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- For the Sake of the Child
- Give Me Your Thumb
- Untainted by Filth
- Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room'
- Warning, It's Dirty
- Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- Yay, No Polyps
- Aye, Aye, Captain Douche
- Tinkle Like a Princess
- I Found Your Moustache
- Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- I Called Him Magoo
- Gumby with a Pokey
- Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- A Good Time in Central Africa
- Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- Dead from the Waist Down
- Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- That Darn Priest
- Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- People Who Love Peepholes
- Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- Nine Magic Fingers
- A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
- The Squat and the Hover
- Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- Thank You for the Intercourse
- Frodo's Headshots
- A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- A Possum on Chemo
- The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- Not in My Mouth!
- The War Against Gingivitis
- Grandma's Pie
- Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
- Why We Gave Up Women
- The Straw in My Donut Hole
- Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
- I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- A Big Bag of Dog
- Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
- That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
- Ferrets, Attack!
- Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- Something My Gynecologist Said
- I Scream When I Pee
- Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- Welcome to Alancrest
- Grab a Feather and Get in Line
- Run, Steven Staven! Run!
- Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- The 9:04 from Pemberton
- Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
- Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
- Another Night with Neil Diamond
- My Bodacious Vidalia
- Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
- Nangnangnangnang
- I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- This Unblessed Biscuit
- Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
- Tazed in the Lady Nuts
- Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- Bite Me, Supreme Court
- Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe
- Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- Welcome Home, Jake
- West Side Story
- Lan mao shi zai wuding shang
- Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
- The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- Glamping in a Yurt
- Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Alan Shot a Little Girl
- Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- Here I Come, Pants!
- For Whom the Booty Calls
- A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
- Boompa Loved His Hookers
- Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2
Best moments10
- Berta is injured on the job, and after getting in an argument with Walden over retirement, she decides to quit.
- Evelyn announces she is receiving an honor from the real estate industry and that Charlie and Alan will host a party in her honor. Mayhem ensues when Berta and her sister agree to cater the event, but sibling rivalry takes center stage.
- Alan looks for a new place after he invites Berta to stay at Charlie's house, bringing the brothers to blows.
- Parody of "CSI" in which a body is found in Charlie's bed, and detectives try to figure out who is the killer.
- Against Alan's wishes, Charlie encourages Jake to hook up with a pretty girl he met on the beach since Jake's girlfriend is out of town for Christmas.
- Charlie and Alan's weekend trip to Las Vegas has a little trouble getting off the ground.
- Charlie is crushed when he discovers he hasn't been satisfying Chelsea and Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair on the cheap.
- Charlie runs into an ex with a child who looks and acts a lot like him, and he starts to suspect that he is the boy's father.
- Walden looks after a foster child named Louis,but they don't bond the way he hoped they would.
- Alan is seeing Berta's daughter behind everyone's back. But when Berta finds out, Alan is shocked and a little disturbed by her positive response.
- This Unblessed Biscuit
- A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
- Fish in a Drawer
- Warning, It's Dirty
- Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- Taterhead Is Our Love Child
- Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Castrating Sheep in Montana