Eric and Annie selfishly expect the kids to start the school year on routine so they can enjoy a lazy day alone together, but ill-prepared means in trouble. Nazi-style principal Russell has plenty of collaborating staff to enforce draconian discipline for 'gang and drug offenses' according to absurd new rules none saw coming, such as Simon's cutlery earning a suspension for 'concealed weapons'. Only Mary is happy with an ex-Olympic new basketball coach Koper, who meanwhile terrorizes Matt because of the beeper his father forgot when he borrowed Matt's jacket. Simon's buddy system only helps against a potential bully. Lucy makes her own life hell while Mary rudely fails to work in new guy Marcus, a natural flirt. The whole school buzzes about Lucy's classmate Peter McKinley's apparent suicide attempt. In fact Eric, called in by the police, discovers it's a desperate cry for help after 13 years of deaf tyranny from his insensitive, clueless single mother.

After a failed table-spread trick before the arrival of his new magic kit, the 'Great Simoni' can't convince Ruthie to act as his assistant because she'd rather wear the cape even without aspiring to become a magician; Lucy's grades slip as she starts hanging out with 'the laid-back crowd'; Eric's church is in the running for weekly local TV broadcasts if next Sunday's liturgy goes well, and he obsesses over writing the perfect sermon; Mary considers quitting basketball when Coach Koper is focused on a new star player; while Annie spends a long day running errands, Matt bows out of keeping order at home. After Ruthie answers a phone call from the Colonel and tells him what's going on, he turns up unexpectedly to 'assume domestic command.'

Simon get sort of addicted to golf, which causes trouble for him, Ruthie and various glass within their hitting reach. Matt and Lucy are fed up with Mary's adoration for coach Koper, whom they mistrust and dislike because of his condescending attitude towards English pupil Matt, who nevertheless does well on a James Joyce book-report. Mary sides with him when the siblings cry wolf over a hug but when she suddenly changes her tune after a shoulder massage, even the principal turns on Koper without any proof or actual incident. Eric hounds Lou, who insists the expenses for the nearly unattended Wednesday service can no longer be justified, to see the books. Annie finds $2,500 are missing but by the time the full truth gets known, both must side with 'thief' Lou and his secretly hard-tested family.